I didnt write it all at once, I wrote it over the whole course of this, and I do not want to come off as dramatic or like Im magnifying the situation for sympathy.
I wrote all this down so that the people who have and those who will experience this have a place to read a real life situation.
To know that the emotional roller coaster your on or have been on is normal and that your not alone, although I know you feel that way.
i wrote it mostly for the people I don't know and the people I know but maybe haven't spoke to in 10 years that are struggling with infertility, I know how much it helped me to read complete strangers stories and to talk with friends and family who have gone through the same struggles.
So I hope you find this and dont feel as alone as I know you feel
we started trying for baby #2 this past week.
On monday (May 24th) I got on the progesterone to induce a period and soon I will start the clomid. $52
we aren't not telling anyone, but we also aren't willingly divulging any information.
in other word if you ask ill tell!
Monday June 28th was my first clomid check.$20
Found out today (6/30) that the clomid didn't work, so here we go for round 2!
Im really not that excited.
excited to get pregnant, YES. but not excited about the ups and downs of trying.
I just want it to work dam it!
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Picked up the second dose today!(7/8/10)$87
thought about buying the stuff online but its not that much cheaper.
Today is July 29th and I don't go to the Dr. for my clomid check for 2 weeks!! that's so long....
August 2nd today is CD (cycle day) 13. I should be ovulating (if the meds worked.) Chasen was sick with a virus and I feel like total Sh*t. Tired, achey low grade fever. I wish this meant I was pregnant but Its to early.
But at exactly this time with Chasen I got really sick and 2 to 3 weeks later found out that I was pregnant.
so,maybe it takes so much "energy" for my body to ovulate that when I do my immune system is vulnerable and I get sick.
So maybe my getting sick and feeling crummy will be worth it!
I hope.
Aug. 11th had my blood checked and resutls came back
I OVULATED!!!!! just found out on aug. 16th that i ovulated but have been feeling pregnant since about the 12th.
My boobs started to hurt just randomly and Im tired, I started to notice that the literal shit at work stinks wores then normal and makes me almost gag. Im more thirsty and hungry.
But at the same time Im thinking all these things could just be happening just because and I may not be pregnant.
But Im almost 90% sure that I am!!!! {insert squeal of joy here}
I took a pregnancy test today (aug 17th) it was negative but its only CD 28 and I really wont have "missed" my period till CD 35 so it was probably to early to tell.
Im hoping that by Friday this week I will have a positive result because we are going home and I want to be able to tell my family!
I even bought white T-shirts for chasen and puff paint so I can make a T-Shirt to announce baby #2 (i hope)!
Amazing how one day can change everything:
This morning (aug 18th)
I either just got my period or Im having a miscarriage:( or its implantation bleeding, but its pretty heavy :(
Chasen and I went out for breakfast and then I got to daycare to drop him off and felt a gush (sorry gross i know) and Nana is talking to be about some book fair and all i want to do is RUN out of there.
I was like. oh ya we'll buy books, i gotta run and went to caseys.
It was like a nightmare, Im standing in line and I can hear the toilet flush so you'd think the lady would be done, but instead I stand there for a minute!!!! trying not to bawl my eyes out.
Then I almost ran the lady over when she came out.
So now its 8:45 and Im supposed to be at work at 9. I called ean, called trista, called the RN on call and cried my way to work.
got a phone call about 15min after I got to work and
The doc. thinks its just me getting my period because I did ovulate. but my question is how did I not get pregnant??
with out being gross....we tried a lot. how did we miss???
I just dont understand.
I'd rather have it be a period and not a miscarriage, but I felt so pregnant the last few days, which could be just in my head or actual PMS symptoms which I never feel because I never get a period
The doc. said to take a p.test tomorrow morning and if its neg. to pick up the clomid tomorrow and start it on Fri.(20th)
I took a test this am and it was neg. but i just dont understand how.
Trista (ean's sis who used to work in my OB office) said that since I dont get a normal period that maybe I had a "drive by" miscarriage where the egg was fertilized but didn't implant because my uterus needed to get rid of all the built up "stuff" in it.
So I got to sit at work all day felling awful I should have probably just gone home but that seemed kind of ridiculous since it was just a period.
This is precisely why I don't tell a lot of people when we start trying....but I do appreciate the prayers thoughts and support!!!
I just really felt like an idiot for freaking out over a period.
But how was I supposed to know.
Now I'm just pissed!
I did find this bit of info in a website to be helpful/encouraging
Even if you have had an easy time getting pregnant in the past, pregnancy tends to change your hormonal makeup, so sometimes timing is not the same as it was before. (the odds are about 1 in 4 even if you time it right), its up to nature.
so hopefully in a month from now we will be pregnant with rugrat #2 :)
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Aug. 20th
Round 3. same dose as round 2. 100mg
Sept 7th
I had my OB apt today they called back 2 days later to tell me that I had NOT ovulated. and that she didn't understand why??
well, I dint understand WHY either!!!!
I don't understand any of this, and I just want it to go away or to go away myself.
Its hard to hide from your problems when its your own self you want to run away from.
At the end of this month it will be 5 MONTHS of trying.
Some would say I just need to get over it and accept it and relax.
Its not like I'm trying to "conceive" my dream house, car or carer, I'm trying to have a baby and nothing can replace that want, need, desire! or make it any easier.
and its extremely hard to forget about and to not think about every s i n g l e second of every single day.
You would think with a toddler that I would be busy enough to forget about it, but that doesn't really help either.
I do in the midst of it all try to remain sightly optimistic, I do believe that eventually it will work, its just not working right now and I can't control it and I hate that.
Ean always annoyingly remains optimistic!
"babe, it'll happen we just have to be patient"
I suppose that is one of the reasons I married him, his patients with me (of all things) and optimism!
I just feel so defeted all the time, where really its not my fault and I can't really do anything different but I beat myself up any way.
I did decide though that if and when we have #2 when he or she is 6mo old we are trying for #3 and maybe we will be pregnant by the time #2 is 1!
ack!
see Im a planner, thats my problem, I have a plan and when it doesnt go my way I get pissed!!!
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SEPT. 18th dose #4
its 150mg this time $126
Im kinda nervous that we will have twins!! which at this point I could care less id be happy and terrified!
so ive been doing (was doing) good this round with not thinking about it, it wasn't even really in my thoughts.
But now that my apt is in a week and Ive started to feel cramping in my lower back and abdomen, I can't help but think about it
wondering if its ovulation pains, implantation or period cramping....which i dont think it can be period related yet since its way to early for that.
Im almost positive that I ovulated because I felt quite a few pains.
I just hope we get pregnant.
okay so the cramping and weird fullness feeling has lasted 3 days.
This better work!!!
I indeed ovulated and dont have masses on my ovaries so that's good news!
October 28th
we aren't pregnant. I got my period.
I don't understand why and its really taking a toll on me emotionally.
I asked the nurse 1,000 questions today, she is going to talk to my DR. and get back to me tomorrow.
It sounds like they might send Ean in for an analysis.
I know they are going to want me to just continue with the clomid for a few more months, but I feel like Im wasting time.
Whatever tests they are going to do in 2 or 3 months on me I wish they would just do now, I don't care, Ill pay for it! But thats not how western medicine works, there are steps to follow and procedures, and Im just not patient.
I feel like Im not in control of my health and what I want done.
I know its not right to just walk into a DR. office and demand tests, but on the other hand I don't think its necessary to keep trying something that hasn't worked.
So, after much thought Im going to see an acupuncturist.
Im not sure how much I believe in the whole picture of it, the flow of energy and such, but if nothing else it might help with the stress, anxiety and depression that Im feeling and increase blood flow to my uterus.
Im not expecting it to be some miracle intervention, I just need to know that Im trying everything within my power to make this happen. This past week was awful emotionally, like I seriously thought I might need therapy.
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Oct 30th dose #5 with acupuncture
Had my first acupuncture apt on Nov. 1st, all week I have felt more at ease, woke up every morning not feeling groggy but I did have a headache for 2 days and one of the needles left a bruise.
She used about 18 needles 2 in each ear and one in my forehead...I didn't feel them at all, except for the one in my left foot!
Lately Ive been feeling awful.
awful for felling sad about a friend who just announced her pregnancy,
awful for being angry at people whom I shouldnt be angry at. (my Dr. myself, god, ean...)
Im angry at my situation and I need somewhere to project my anger but really there is no one to blame, there is no certain event to blame.
Its human nature to want to blame someone or something when things aren't going as they should, but for this circumstance there is nothing to blame and its hard.
Its hard to just accept the fact that I have been betrayed by my own body.
I fight like hell to change it and I know its an impossible fight.
But, Im a fighter, I hate giving up.
But giving up is probably what I need to do to relax and feel at ease.
I know I need to swallow the pill and accept what I have been given.
But right now in this moment, Im not ready.
I know because Ive taken several psych classes that I have to go through all the emotions and the 12 step-like process before Im "better"
So, I do know that there is an end to my awful feelings and that Im the only one to control the way I feel. But right now Im stuck.
I feel selfish because I have a healthy child at home and should be happy with that.
I feel selfish because I dont have it as bad as some, I haven't been give a "death sentence" in conceiving so i feel like I dont have the right to feel so awful.
I hate the "poor abby" looks and people walking around on egg shells.
I don't fault my friends and family for the way they react, I know I would and HAVE reacted the same way to my friends and family who struggle.
These feelings I feel are only experienced first hand and can't be imagined even by those of you that love me the most.
I hate that people want to help me but dont know how.
I dont know how.
I have my 2nd acupuncture appointment tonight (Nov. 9th) so hopefully tomorrow will be a new relaxing day!
I felt better all week after my appointment and have decided to try and focus on something else in my life.
Im not sure what?
Like maybe planning a family vacaion, so I have that to look forward to and count down the days to, instead of counting down the days till I find out that another round of clomid didnt work.
its Nov 19th, I had my ob apt today. with a different doc. i haven't see my doc since sept. This Dr. gave me the paper work and such and is having Ean submit a specimen to be evaluated and if we dont get pregnant in Dec. regardless of his sperm analysis we will go to the university of Iowa for an IUI which is intra-uterine insemination not as invasive and not as expensive as invitro.
I dont want to do this I wish it would just happen, but its nice to know there is an end to the clomid and trying month after month with something that isnt working.
she went on to mention that 1/3rd or infertile patients are diagnosed with unexplained fertility.
I wanted to warn her not to ever diagnose me with that because if she does I will most likely punch her in the face :)
I ovulated, but am NOT pregnant.
That is 3 months worth of ovulating and no pregnancy and 2 months of no ovulation.
Ean will subbmit a sample this week (The first week of Dec.)
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Nov. 30th dose #6 with accupuncture
I started the same dose of clomid today (150mg)
I scheduled my clomid check with the Dr. but again its not with my dr. so I asked to speak to the nurse.
I was hoping I would get my Dr. so i could tell her that I was NOT doing another round of chlomid after this and that I would like a referral.
I explained all of this to the nurse and she will talk with my doc today and get back to me.
I know she wants me to do 2 MORE ROUNDS of chlomid but i seriously dont think its worth my time. Im beyond sick of this shit!!
This may sound weird but I hope Ean's analysis comes back abnormal. Just because I want a reason for why this isnt working and I feel like if we find the reason then we can fix the problem and get pregnant.
I talked to the nurse today, who didnt know anything about what she was talking about but thats a different story.
Basically she told me that after this round if I get my period, which will be around christmas then she will referr me to the U of I and we will procede with them.
but first before they can do a referral they need Ean's ssample and I have to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG){i can't even pronounce it}--this is where they inject dye into my uterus and watch to make sure there arent any blockages anywhere.
Google it if you want more info on it.
The thing that makes me mad is that they wont do it now they want to wait until after my period at the end of Dec. So that means I wont get a referral till late Jan. and I will have wasted the whole month of Jan.
So I think I will just take the clomid again in Jan. I read that after and HSG (although its not meant to be theraputic) it can possibly dislodge whatever is blocking the way and many women end up pregnant afterwards!
or they could find something absoloutly awful....its always a great guessing game:)
My tone on this whole thing has changed, im not as depressed, I havent cried in a couple of weeks! Last month I cried almost everyday.
I would say Im excited to move on and find out whats going on, but Im still bitter and Im dealing with it with a strong dose of sarcasim!
so there you have it as of tonight we are at CD 3:round 6 of clomid at 150mg
we are hoping for the stork this christmas and not santa....or maybe both!
