January 15, 2008
Bitter
So I have decided that I will start to smoke crack, live in a run down trailor and drink a six pack for breakfast and then maybe Ill get pregnant.
January 9, 2008
Dreaming with a broken heart
Just this past week Trista (my sister in law) lost her baby. She was 20 weeks pregnant when her water broke. It was a little girl, Joely Jane Schaffner. It was so heart wrenching for Ean and I to watch his sister go through this horrible expirence. Its so hard for me to just stand by and watch or offer a hug, I want to fix everything, and as we know, I hate things I cant understand or control.
We tired our best to be there for her, yet we found ourselves in shock, it was like a sucker punch, we couldn't help but thinking that this could happen to us.It was like an out of body expirence, Trista and I share the same Dr. so it was even easier to think this could happen to us. For me....when bad things happen I get mad, so immediately I told Ean that I did not want to try and have kids anymore. There is NO WAY I could be as strong as Trista is. Im not ready for the sorrow that concieving can bring. I had never even thought about it in that way until now.
So I have not went to pick up my pills because I've been scared, but I will go....tomorrow.
I just need to regain my faith in the world, and in God.
I know its not good to say, but when thigs like this happen to people you love you find it hard to believe in the good and have faith in God.
Bad things happen to good people I guess. Atleast that is the only thing I can think of to make sense of this.
While I'm still praying to God for Trista and for personal strength, it's hard not to be mad at him sometimes.
My heart just aches for Trista and Chris.
But still, after all the sucker punches, Ean and I still want to try with all our might to have children, and I know the strength to go on comes from God.
So, we will continue to Dream, with our broken hearts.
We tired our best to be there for her, yet we found ourselves in shock, it was like a sucker punch, we couldn't help but thinking that this could happen to us.It was like an out of body expirence, Trista and I share the same Dr. so it was even easier to think this could happen to us. For me....when bad things happen I get mad, so immediately I told Ean that I did not want to try and have kids anymore. There is NO WAY I could be as strong as Trista is. Im not ready for the sorrow that concieving can bring. I had never even thought about it in that way until now.
So I have not went to pick up my pills because I've been scared, but I will go....tomorrow.
I just need to regain my faith in the world, and in God.
I know its not good to say, but when thigs like this happen to people you love you find it hard to believe in the good and have faith in God.
Bad things happen to good people I guess. Atleast that is the only thing I can think of to make sense of this.
While I'm still praying to God for Trista and for personal strength, it's hard not to be mad at him sometimes.
My heart just aches for Trista and Chris.
But still, after all the sucker punches, Ean and I still want to try with all our might to have children, and I know the strength to go on comes from God.
So, we will continue to Dream, with our broken hearts.
January 1, 2008
Tis' the season...
For new beginnings!
The third round did not work, as I suspected. Ean and I have begun to discuss what exactly we will do after this final round that I will start this week. (They are putting me on the final dose of 200mg of clomid.)
We have decided to take some time off from this fertility stuff
1. because they will be referring us to the U of I and it will be twice as expensive. My insurance doesn't cover anything except for the provera.
we found that last month alone we spent $180. And to go to a specialist will cost even more then a regular doctor. So we have decided to save up around 1/2 to all of what it will cost to do whatever it is they will do at the U of I. I think I will go for the initial consultation so we can get an idea of what they want to do and what it will cost so we can save up. We just dont want to be in even more debt when we have a baby. And I want to have money to buy all the fun pink bows ;)
2. I have lost 8lbs on my alli plan so I would like to continue to loose and then try a fresh start with a new healthy body!
AND I think its coming time to tell our families. Hopefully you will be reading this soon!
The third round did not work, as I suspected. Ean and I have begun to discuss what exactly we will do after this final round that I will start this week. (They are putting me on the final dose of 200mg of clomid.)
We have decided to take some time off from this fertility stuff
1. because they will be referring us to the U of I and it will be twice as expensive. My insurance doesn't cover anything except for the provera.
we found that last month alone we spent $180. And to go to a specialist will cost even more then a regular doctor. So we have decided to save up around 1/2 to all of what it will cost to do whatever it is they will do at the U of I. I think I will go for the initial consultation so we can get an idea of what they want to do and what it will cost so we can save up. We just dont want to be in even more debt when we have a baby. And I want to have money to buy all the fun pink bows ;)
2. I have lost 8lbs on my alli plan so I would like to continue to loose and then try a fresh start with a new healthy body!
AND I think its coming time to tell our families. Hopefully you will be reading this soon!
December 19, 2007
update
So the new job is going good. Iam eating healthier but that whole exercise thing....ya not working out. Im so tired and would rather spend time with ean.
We go to the Dr. on friday to see if dose 3 worked.
Physically I dont feel like it did: no pains or weird emotions.
We go to the Dr. on friday to see if dose 3 worked.
Physically I dont feel like it did: no pains or weird emotions.
November 28, 2007
Round 3
So here we go again!
This time the pills were $86 holy sh*t! I have to take 3 a day this time.
I met up with some friends over thanksgiving. Both of them are preggers with girls. And I was so excited for them:) and it made me feel better cause they both had encouraging things to say. One of them took 9 months to get pregnant and she didnt have any medical problems like I do. So it made me feel a little more normal and hopeful! She encouraged Ean and I to go on a vacation. LIKE IVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG---we need to go to Paris :)
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I try not to obsess over it too much but even in my subconscious its there.
Instead of getting mad Im trying to embrace it.
I also started on the myalli plan. Hoping that if I loose 10-15lbs it will help.
Starting my new job should help I will be getting up early to eat breakfast and I dont get a lunch break so I have to bring something light to eat, then I get off at 5pm just enough time to run 30min and make dinner before ean gets home!
This time the pills were $86 holy sh*t! I have to take 3 a day this time.
I met up with some friends over thanksgiving. Both of them are preggers with girls. And I was so excited for them:) and it made me feel better cause they both had encouraging things to say. One of them took 9 months to get pregnant and she didnt have any medical problems like I do. So it made me feel a little more normal and hopeful! She encouraged Ean and I to go on a vacation. LIKE IVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG---we need to go to Paris :)
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I try not to obsess over it too much but even in my subconscious its there.
Instead of getting mad Im trying to embrace it.
I also started on the myalli plan. Hoping that if I loose 10-15lbs it will help.
Starting my new job should help I will be getting up early to eat breakfast and I dont get a lunch break so I have to bring something light to eat, then I get off at 5pm just enough time to run 30min and make dinner before ean gets home!
November 5, 2007
Chances
So our chances of the clomid working are dwindling down.
This past dose didn't work. My levels were 0.5 on 150mg and to ovulate they need to be 15. So we aren't even close.
She is going to up the dose to 175, which if im at 0.5 on 150 I dont think that will do the trick.
I get 4 trys on the clomid then i dont know what they do. After the 175 doesnt work we go up to 200. She said if that didnt work I would be referred to the university of Iowa.
This past dose didn't work. My levels were 0.5 on 150mg and to ovulate they need to be 15. So we aren't even close.
She is going to up the dose to 175, which if im at 0.5 on 150 I dont think that will do the trick.
I get 4 trys on the clomid then i dont know what they do. After the 175 doesnt work we go up to 200. She said if that didnt work I would be referred to the university of Iowa.
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