update

So I have finished the round of clomid and really dont feel like they worked.
I go to the Dr. on halloween!! I dont know if that is good luck or bad luck.
Im wondering if they missdiagnosed me or something. This clomid is supose to work on PCOS patients.
hmm??

Round 2

and yes it is like a boxing match.
So Im starting the clomid in about 3 days its a double dose which is 100mg.
So dont pray for me. Pray for Ean. My hormones will be OUT OF CONTROL.

The big ScARy word:

CHANGE


so I haven't gotten the new dose of pills because...well, I can't get myself to go get them. (that, and i have been traveling and haven't had a car).
Its not that I dont want a baby but that I dont want to go through it not working again. If I get hurt by something once I tend not to do it again....that's the hard part in all of this...

Also, because the sheer thought of going to get them makes me anxious and makes me think about the emotional roller coaster that I am about to subject myself too.

How is this for a senario:
"okay if you go stub your toe 5 times, real hard, Ill give you your favorite candy bar"
or
"Ill slap you in the face"
And last time I said this to you I slapped you in the face.
Would you risk it?
I would/will I just need my hesitation time.

Part of it too is the fact that I don't like change. I'm really enjoying my life right now.
..well that isn't so true I actually see myself as an adaptor so change isn't the problem its the transition phase..I'm having the same problem with the job search...I find good jobs (or so I think) then ...I just don't apply..because I get scared of the change...
and I'm a second guesser...I second guess myself all the time.
"I wont be a good mom"
"I'm not the person they want to hire"
don't get me Wong I can sell myself real well...like in an interview Im good at "bragging" about myself...but bragging about myself to myself....I'm not good at self pep talks.

{sigh} so maybe tomorrow will be the day I go get the pills.
and maybe not.

Let down

So the clomid pills did not work.
Its so irritating and upsetting. I know its not as horrible as it could be but its not fun to say the least. And I am so happy that I didnt tell anyone because the last thing I want to hear from 10 different people is "well its okay it happens allot",or "it will happen when it happens" or whatever else (no offense)
Its hard not to be in control of you body. I think that is what irritates me most.
I think well maybe if I did this or that...but thats not the case I could change all I want and it wont help. And its also hard because I fell like no one really knows/understands how I feel. I don't even know sometimes.

I found out today that Trista and Chris are expecting!! Which I am so so excited about, but a part of me was extremely sad/jealous (and Trista I know you know how this feels)which made me angry with myself. This is a happy time for two people I love dearly why should I feel this way. But I do.

So enough about my feelings.....let me tell you what the next step is in this super long process:
I wait till cycle day 35 if I don't get a period, which I wont, then I take a PT, and if its negative (duh, it will be) then I call the doctor and they write me a prescription for, i think, 100mg instead of 50mg for the clomid. Then we do the whole damn thing over again. Ladie frikin, dah.

I know you may be thinking...geesh if she wants a baby bad enough this is a small price to pay.....and I know that, but it doesn't mean I have to like the process.

Bitterly yours,
abby

Hormones

So the pills kick in after you take them.
I have been a depressed mess this past week. But it helps to know that its a side effect of the medication and that nothing is actually Wrong with me :)
On wed. I started bawling at the news. Some lady lost her house and all her belongings and was crying and I just broke down......it was really weird, cause I'm not a bawl baby like mom and chantelle ;)
I really hope this all works because I don't want to have to do it again.
Don't get me wrong its not like its super hard I know it could be 100 times worse, its just stressful, L O N G, and I hate things I can't control.
Its not the crying game its the waiting game....

No side effects!?!?!!

Well tomorrow i take my last clomid pill and so far the only side effect i have had is a dull achy pain in my ovaries.
I did get nauseous on our trip up to MN but i think it was the rain and bumpy truck ride.
I go to the dr. on sept 5th to see if I ovulated!!