update

So the new job is going good. Iam eating healthier but that whole exercise thing....ya not working out. Im so tired and would rather spend time with ean.
We go to the Dr. on friday to see if dose 3 worked.
Physically I dont feel like it did: no pains or weird emotions.

Round 3

So here we go again!
This time the pills were $86 holy sh*t! I have to take 3 a day this time.
I met up with some friends over thanksgiving. Both of them are preggers with girls. And I was so excited for them:) and it made me feel better cause they both had encouraging things to say. One of them took 9 months to get pregnant and she didnt have any medical problems like I do. So it made me feel a little more normal and hopeful! She encouraged Ean and I to go on a vacation. LIKE IVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG---we need to go to Paris :)
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I try not to obsess over it too much but even in my subconscious its there.
Instead of getting mad Im trying to embrace it.
I also started on the myalli plan. Hoping that if I loose 10-15lbs it will help.
Starting my new job should help I will be getting up early to eat breakfast and I dont get a lunch break so I have to bring something light to eat, then I get off at 5pm just enough time to run 30min and make dinner before ean gets home!

Chances

So our chances of the clomid working are dwindling down.
This past dose didn't work. My levels were 0.5 on 150mg and to ovulate they need to be 15. So we aren't even close.
She is going to up the dose to 175, which if im at 0.5 on 150 I dont think that will do the trick.
I get 4 trys on the clomid then i dont know what they do. After the 175 doesnt work we go up to 200. She said if that didnt work I would be referred to the university of Iowa.

update

So I have finished the round of clomid and really dont feel like they worked.
I go to the Dr. on halloween!! I dont know if that is good luck or bad luck.
Im wondering if they missdiagnosed me or something. This clomid is supose to work on PCOS patients.
hmm??

Round 2

and yes it is like a boxing match.
So Im starting the clomid in about 3 days its a double dose which is 100mg.
So dont pray for me. Pray for Ean. My hormones will be OUT OF CONTROL.

The big ScARy word:

CHANGE


so I haven't gotten the new dose of pills because...well, I can't get myself to go get them. (that, and i have been traveling and haven't had a car).
Its not that I dont want a baby but that I dont want to go through it not working again. If I get hurt by something once I tend not to do it again....that's the hard part in all of this...

Also, because the sheer thought of going to get them makes me anxious and makes me think about the emotional roller coaster that I am about to subject myself too.

How is this for a senario:
"okay if you go stub your toe 5 times, real hard, Ill give you your favorite candy bar"
or
"Ill slap you in the face"
And last time I said this to you I slapped you in the face.
Would you risk it?
I would/will I just need my hesitation time.

Part of it too is the fact that I don't like change. I'm really enjoying my life right now.
..well that isn't so true I actually see myself as an adaptor so change isn't the problem its the transition phase..I'm having the same problem with the job search...I find good jobs (or so I think) then ...I just don't apply..because I get scared of the change...
and I'm a second guesser...I second guess myself all the time.
"I wont be a good mom"
"I'm not the person they want to hire"
don't get me Wong I can sell myself real well...like in an interview Im good at "bragging" about myself...but bragging about myself to myself....I'm not good at self pep talks.

{sigh} so maybe tomorrow will be the day I go get the pills.
and maybe not.