They are few and far between.
Most are choices I wouldn't choose so they don't really fell like choices at all.
I don't want to take all these hormones and feel crazy all the time, but the alternative is no chance at a baby.
I wish I had more choices for fertility clinics that weren't over 4hrs away or a plane ride away.
On April 11Th we had an appointment at the University to discuss our next step
The plan is to start hormone injections called folistim, its like an insulin pen and I can do them myself. Ean was pretty excited about that lol
Before I start the meds I must first have an ultrasound on Cycle Day 1,2 or 3 to get a baseline of what my ovaries look like, any cysts or other such stuff.
Then I start taking my femara (the pill's I been on the whole time) Then on the last day of my Femara I start the injections.
I only do injections for 3 days and on the 3rd day I go in for another ultra sound to look at my ovaries and to measure the follicles (which when I ovulate become eggs) a follicle measuring 20mm is a good follicle, so if I have 1 or more follicles measuring 20mm then they will give me a trigger shot to induce ovulation with in 48 hours then I go in for insemination(IUI) and pray that it works.
If the follicles aren't 20mm then Ill do another dose of folistim and come back for another ultra sound to determine if they are the right size.
This will all start around the end of April beginning of May.
This all sounds like a good plan until she told me I needed to sign a waiver saying that I would selectively reduce any pregnancy down to twins. (and those were her exact words. maybe she needs a lesson in sensitivity)
*if you know me you can see the look on my face*
"excuse me?"
"well we would need to selectively reduce any embryo's down to twins. If you ovulate 4 eggs and they all get fertilized then you will need to reduce down to twins"
"oh, well I don't think we are willing to do that" and I gave her the paper back.
"Okay well then when you come in for your ultra sound if we see more then 3 follicles at 20mm then we will cancel the cycle as we don't want to risk you having more then 2 babies"
"so will you reimburse us or give us partial reimbursement for the canceled cycle"
meanwhile Ean is like uhhhhhh please don't let my wife punch this lady and chasen is screaming "i want more candy"
"no we can't reimburse you"
"okay"
"why don't I give you guys a moment to discuss this"
Okay before you get all up in arms and say that we are being irresponsible and selfish for "wanting" 4 children just hear me out.
Do I want 4 children? - yes, but not all at once.
Can we afford 4 children? - probably, we might have to sell our house and have one car and no cable or cell phone or whatever but we could make it work.
Can we afford the hospital bills for the high risk pregnancy of 4 children? NO I fully understand the risks and complications related to multiple births and I know how expensive it is and No, we couldn't afford it and that would not only impact us but chasen too. Not to mention loosing my job because I would be on bed rest Im sure and having to put Chasen back in daycare...
Could we afford the care of 4 children in the NICU or with other health problems?NO
So should I sign the paper and selectively reduce? Wow! what a "choice"
and this insensitive lady treats it as if I'm just signing another waiver for the side effects of all the drugs I'm on.
I know in my heart the answer to the question with out any hesitation, not even a second thought.
The answer is No, No I can not selectively reduce my pregnancy.
Because I believe that that would be killing my children.
Morally No I could no live with that decision.
Yes I am pro life, Im against abortion.
There I said it.
Does that mean I dont try to support my friends who have had them, absloutly not, that is their personal choice and decision and I have been there for my friends who have had to make that not so fair choice. I mean really what kind of choice is that any way?
Im just saying that for me personally the decission to abort just isn't for me at all under any circumstance, for me.
And why is it abortion when you are choosing to remove the child from your womb and then they give it a fancy name 'selective reduction' when you're talking about people with infertility
Not only is it insane to me that we have tried for 11 months for a child and now that we might be able to have one, before we even have one we are told to sign a paper to (in my mind) kill 1, 2, 3 of my children.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!?!?!
NO, the answer is No!
So Ean and I discussed it for like 3min and thank God we have had discussions about our beliefs and we are both on the same page, No we can't abort any of our children for any reason.
So what we had to discuss was the fact that each cycle cost $1500 -$2000 so if I ovulate more then 2 possibly 3 eggs then we will cancel the cycle and we are out that money.
But we decided that it was better to loose $2000 then to risk having 4 children that we couldn't afford and would ultimately put us in debt and jeopardize all of our children's futures.
I mean, seriously what kind of choice is that?
It kills me to think we will just literally throw $2000 at the hosp. for nothing.
But what else can we do?
I feel like we have chosen the most responsible choice we were offered.
Just like we choose to protect ourselves when we didnt want children because for us the choice of abortion... I mean selective reduction was never a choice in the first place.
I guess I should explain some of the medical stuff.
If I ovulate 4 eggs I'm not guaranteed that all 4 will be fertilized and I honestly don't think that they would since we haven't been able to fertilize any of the last few I have ovulated.
If I do ovulate 4 eggs they will cancel the cycle and adjust my meds so that I don't ovulate as many then next time, so that was kind of reassuring in a way.
and who knows maybe Ill be like that 1 in a gabilliontrillion who has 2 eggs and each one gets fertilized then splits and I end up with 4 any way, like that lady I saw on the news a couple of days ago.
Ultimately it's not in my hands or my Dr's hands its in His hands and if God gives me 4 babies by all means I will keep each one of them!
and all of this makes me to not even want to go back and go through all of this, but what choice do I have......
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