I know everything will be ok,
work out in the end.
Ill look back on this and see how strong Iam
how far I've come
how close Ean and I have become
how amazing my kids are
how awesome my friends are
I don't want to wish the boy's any older then they are right now, but I can't wait for this all to pass.
not every day is sad anymore, I actually had several really good days in a row and then a day where I was just sad for no reason...well there's a reason....but i wasn't even consciously thinking about it.
my 4 week check up is on Tuesday and I think that has me anxious.
I'm hoping for answers, but realistically aware that I wont get any.
I think I'm done mourning the loss of the actual baby. but now am mourning the loss of all the hopes and dreams I had. and wondering...
why me?
This was supposed to be our "easy baby" we found the method that works to conceive and it worked on the first try...not a year of hell like when we tried and got Dashtyn.
why does making and having children have to be so hard for us? why is it surrounded by heart ache, anxiety and depression?
I just want a family..the family we have dreamed of.
I have like 100 pregnant friends!! (seriously...) HI!! I LOVE YOU ALL, I really do. but why is it so easy for them. Im not mad at them and its not even hard (like i thought it would be) to be around them, It's totally ok because thank God i have had 2 kids and can relate to them and their pregnancy. I dont even care about people complaining!! Next time im pregnant (god willing) Ill complain!!
I just find myself longing for and wondering what it would be like to have a happy normal pregnancy and road to conception.
I feel like I got a glimmer of that "normalcy" when we conceived on the first try...and then it was ripped away from us...why??
I also am very aware that I have 2 healthy kids and you may wonder why isn't that enough.
I have never had anyone say this to me, i feel like people think it, I think it sometimes.
but to that question, Id like to ask you which one of your children would you choose to live with out?
I wanted that baby as much as I did the 2 boys I have now. so NO my 2 healthy kids aren't enough. My 2 healthy kids have NOTHING to do with my (our) want for a 3rd child and the love, hope and dreams we had for that baby. Each one of my children are their own entity that I love and wanted as much as the other.
most people wake up one day have a discussion with their spouse...should we try for #4!?! (or whatever the # may be) and you excitedly say yes!! maybe you have some reservations. but yes you're ready to try. Hell maybe you didnt even plan it and opps here's #4. (I would give anything to have that happen!!)
we don't get to do that when I ask Ean do you want to try again and he doesn't want to give me his true answer (yes!!!!! :) x's 1,000) instead he says of course I want more children but you are the one who has to put you body through all this*. you decide, its your body -- which is really kind of him but not the happy conversation one would want to have. not the excitement most people get, for us the excitement isn't until we get a positive test, and now, now that we've had a loss, I dont think my excitement will come until Im holding a baby in my arms!
*All this being: infertility treatment which makes me super anxious and hormonal and now the looming possibility of another miscarriage and surgery.
we almost didnt try for #3 because it's awful!!!! I honestly think the year trying to conceive Dash was worse then the miscarriage. the miscarriage was awful and sitll is but it was just one really bad let down and now we get to look up and get better. the infertility is a horrible emotional roller coaster of really high hopes and crashes and only have a few days to pick yourself up and try and hope again before it all crashes again and again and again x 12 months of that, 372 days to be exact with dashtyn...was he worth it HELL YES.
do I want to do it again. NEVER! but my only other choice (ive posted about choices before) is to accept the fact that my family is complete.....and I...we, just aren't there yet. accepting that is harder then accepting the fact that we have to start over. return to zero -- which is a new movie that is on my DVR and i can't wait to have a evening to myself to watch it! its about still birth. and then they get pregnant again. and it talks about marriage and grieving and...ill need a box of tissue.
i feel like this picture most of the time....a little brown and dead inside...but, BUT I have good days and good feelings and HOPE for a better day tomorrow and a better moment after a bad one. I have had so many days where i didnt want to get out of bed, but I did! and the old me...the one that didn't have kids, never would have gotten out of bed. some of that I have to give them credit for but some it I get credit for too :)
I find my conversations with people look like this plant too, a little bit about my sadness, the baby, and a little bit about normal happy life things...because my life is a mix of happy and sad. today i actually feel a little more green then this picture :)
I day dream about reading this post years maybe months from now and laughing at how angry I am and wishing I could give that old me a big hug and tell her everything will work out!
and for anyone reading this who has experienced loss...i found this blog post amazing! -- It is okay to be selfish. The world may not understand your grief. It will make people uncomfortable to see the gaping hole in your heart, but that doesn't mean you should cover up or ignore the wound.
I feel like Im yelling in parts of this post....thats not my intention...please do not take anything I write in here personal or directed at you. these are just my feelings.
Everyone has delt with me great! I couldn't ask for better friends and family!
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