Oh baby, Im pretty sure you would already be here if i was still pregnant. I have fast deliveries and probably would have opted to have you at 39 weeks!
But that isn't the case. You are the baby we had, but never had and yet will have forever.
I some how feel at peace just a short (not even) 6 months after loosing you.
I don't know how.
Ive had a lot of growth in that time and a lot of ugly days.
and those seem to come when I dont expect it. Yesterday...today... I feel ok.
but on random days I cry in the car.
(usually on the way to fertility appointments, yes some how we want to try again...crazy, i know)
September was HARD I think because I was anticipating this day.(and because we had a failed cycle in oct. and were strartin another cycle of trying in sept.)
I have found the anticipation of days or certain events is harder then the actual thing I was anticipating.
Its hard because I dont even see it coming half the time.
It was mid september and I was trying to make pumpkin cinnamon rolls...followed the instructions perfectly but couldn't get the dam things to roll and cut nicely...the boys were playing nicely upstairs ... and i lost it .. threw the rolls at kevins dog dish (he was thankful) and sat on the floor and cried and crying turned into sobbing and I really didnt know why. I did. but it wasn't like I was consciously thinking about it.
I called ean bawling saying I had followed all the directions and did everything right and still it wouldn't work. the cinnamon rolls, a real life metaphor for my life.
Ean and I did what we were supposed to in life....I followed all the pregnancy rules and yet still...here we are.
It felt like God was punishing me. but why??? what lesson was I supposed to learn and how was her life worth this lesson. I couldnt figure it out.
prior to this melt down I had spent about a week consumed in anger.
I think this was my way of letting it out. the cinnamon rolls the straw that broke the camels back.
Im still grieving and anger is part of it ... but i was stuck. and i was mean.
and then on top of that you feel guilty for being a bad mom and wife. (and on top of that you can't get pregnant)
I was mad at God...so mad at him. even though your not supposed to be, I was.
I hate that stupid tree we planted and want to chop it down most times when I see it.
the head stone we plan to place at babys grave tonight...I just want to throw it and scream F you.
we've had it since august but I dont like going to the cemetery, in fact I hate it.
I dont see it as a place to pay my respects or talk to baby.
I do that on my own time when the feeling hits me and its usually a happy time.
But at her grave I just feel anger.
and then after the melt down and anger I thought about therapy. but I didnt feel awful every day, the anger hadnt taken over my life yet, and I truly feel it is part of the grieving process. How can you not be angry.
I had a turning point after I got my tattoo. which seems strange to me, but it was something I wanted to do sine the day we lost baby.
and I had been praying (even though angry) and soul searching and when I found the right tattoo it felt like something changed.
I always wanted a wrist tattoo but since ill see it everyday I wanted it to really mean something.
I almost got the puzzle pieces i have on my foot on my wrist. they are about ean and mines relationship and how we are the only puzzles pieces that need to fit and all the rest of the pieces will fall into place. trust each other(and god) and dont worry. I mean, to me thats pretty powerful. and those words were spoken from my husbands mouth! but nope for some reason i didnt put it there.
I didnt know it but I had bigger more powerful things in my future.
So you see deciding to place this tattoo in a very visible place meant I had to come to terms with my anger. I couldnt feel about my tattoo the way I felt about the tree and grave stone.
so i got the tattoo
and it catches my eye allllll the time. but its ok. It gives me peace its my love button to my babies heart ... a beat we once shared ( the heart is placed where I can feel my pulse) and it reminds me how strong I am.
after that my feelings started to change.
I really started to believe that I wasn't being punished
and realized that God didnt do this to me.
Bad things happen all the time to EVERYONE
and I found through sharing my story that many more people have gone through this then i ever thought possible.
then i started to see all the bad in the world
EVERYONE has their cross to bear. their battle to fight.
so then instead of feeling anger i felt compassion to everyone.
God doesn't choose for those bad things to happen they just do.
It's not because he hates you or the universe is punishing you.
There are lots of bad things in this world ... luckily I only have endured one really awful thing
and to live life thinking I never would encounter evil was naive. (and i have to remind myself of this everyday)
I just really wanted this to happen for a reason. not just because. and Im hoping the reason is that having a baby in heaven is the most awesome experience...like the best of the best!! and you get to have them as you baby for eternity!!! -- that must be it! yes, ive cracked the coed -- HA! ;)
I just wanted to take this day to share my grief and say that I feel I am learning to live with it and look at it in a different light. Its certainly not all rainbows and sunshine and I honestly welcome the dark days.
Yesterday was the due date and it rained for 24 hours straight and i loved it, it was comforting ...felt like I had permission to be dark and dreary too.
Its hard to grieve the loss of someone you never met...
I dont know why i feel the need to write and share this story...but I do.
maybe you stumble upon this and relate to me and then hopefully don't feel as alone.
or maybe you stumble upon this and think wow--shes messed up I guess I really don't have it have it as bad as I thought.;)
either way I hope it helps!! :)
